WORMWOOD, FIRST CIRCLE, SUB-KENTUCKY – Reports are in today that yesterday’s sabotage of the National Corvette Museum above sub-Bowling Green was a success. High Command has confirmed that no fewer than 8 Corvettes were swallowed into the firey pits of Hell after a series of well-placed detonations triggered a sinkhole beneath the Museum’s iconic Skydome.
Victories against the human population range from minimal internet ridicule and secret jealousy to fear and panic amongst several key insurers for both the building and the cars.
But allegations have already begun to surface around Colonel Lucius Screwtape, who oversaw the operation. According to our sources, elements within High Command are unsatisfied with the lack of human casualties. As the attack occurred in the morning, none of the normal crowds were on hand to experience death or suffering. “It’s simply inexcusable,” said our source, whose voice had been digitally modulated to an extremely high frequency, nearly as high as a human’s, to mask his identity. “A vast waste of government resources. Screwtape and his team sold this as a way to score a real victory, but they only seemed to score a fleet of free Vettes for themselves.”
The source was referring to a Tweet posted by Screwtape immediately following the operation, which read:
“Just sank the ‘Vettes. So sick! No brimstone damage. Can’t wait to put some 22s on this B and shred the 3rd Circle! #YOLF #FreeCorvette #death2humanz #longtweets”
“Nonsense,” said Screwtape when we cornered him outside his posh, 4th circle flat early this morning. “Human suffering extends far beyond bodily injury. My mission is to torment car enthusiasts. So I hit them where it hurts: in the cars. Start offing humans and that’s all they talk about. Suddenly they’ve forgotten about their cars. And besides, if they end up in the Enemy’s Territory, they can drive whatever the crap they want.
“We’ve had alot of success in the past with our government regulation programs. And don’t forget the technical achievements like the automatic transmission and the Buick Rendezvous. Power output in the ‘70s, the Toyota Prius, self-driving cars, the death of trains to clog up the roadways. I could go on, but you get my point.”
Screwtape does make a convincing argument in his favor, but his love for Corvettes is well documented. In 2010 he successfully tempted a human above sub-Evansville, Indiana to customize a C6 Corvette in tribute to His Magesty Beelzebub. “But that caused alot of suffering, too,” said Screwtape. “Did you read the forums?”
Regardless of where they will end up, High Command has checked the spoils of war into the National Evidence Locker. They include:
1992 – 1 millionth produced & 2009 – 1.5 millionth produced
1993 Ruby Red, 40th Anniversary Edition & 1962 Black Corvette
1993 ZR-1 Spyder belonging to GM
2001 Z06 Mallett by Hammer
2009 ZR1 “Blue Devil” belonging to GM
1984 PPG Pace Car
Locker staff now reports that His Magesty Himself has shown interest in the latter.
Video from inside the National Corvette Museum:
Andy Sheehan is a blogger, aspiring novelist, and relentless hoon. He plans to will his 2002 Subaru WRX Wagon to his firstborn, plans his daily commute around the swoop of its roads, and doesn’t plan to ever buy an automatic. A cool-car omnipath, he loves the common Mustang or Chevelle, but hunts for the weird and wonderful Velorexes and Cosmos of the autoverse. And when he can afford a garage, he’s going to turn an MX-5 into a race car.