It’s not that Santa isn’t real. Saint Nicholas was a very real person, indeed, and he really did give gifts to children. It’s just that he’s dead. Sorry to break the news to you, but it happened almost 1700 years ago, so it’s not our fault if you don’t stay up with current events.
Still, it’s fun to deceive our children into believing that there’s a big fat guy in a fuzzy red suit stalking them all year round, so for our purposes, it’s true.
Therefore if the Scarlet Creeper does exist, how does he get around? It can’t be in a flying sleigh pulled by equally gifted reindeer. Because that’s just ridiculous. We all know reindeer can’t fly, and sourcing sleigh parts these days is way too tough for a guy who would take his around the world every year.
Here are our 7 closest guesses:
7. Ford Econoline Science Support Vehicle
They say this six-wheeled van was built for the Moon-Regan South Pole Expedition in 2010, but we all know it came from a different pole entirely. The SSV drives all 6 wheels and weighs about 5 tons. Which is pretty good for carrying all the world’s Christmas presents. It even runs on bio-fuel, which we assume is the distilled sweat of the unemployed reindeer.
6. Thiokol Spryte
The Spryte has been in service since the ’50s, almost as long as American children have been living in holy fear of old Saint Nick. The snow and ice surrounding Santa’s Fortress of Solitude/nuclear missile silo is no match for the Spryte’s cinemascope-wide tracks, and the Ford 170 cid straight six is not afraid of the cold.
How do you fit gifts for a billion kids in your sleigh? You don’t. You get a Terrabus. Their company slogan is, “Will fit at least a billion gifts.” Another 6-wheel-drive beast, this one needs no treads, because the wheels are measured feet, rather than inches. Backing everything up is a Detroit Diesel Series Series 50. Sure, it only has 4 cylinders, makes 250 hp, and goes 25 mph, but look at the thing! It’s enough to frighten the meanest little child onto the nice list until he’s old enough to shave.
4. Snow Cruiser
Santa makes toys, right? He got a little carried away with this one. It’s over 18 feet wide and 54 feet long, and though you couldn’t land that sweet plane on it, Santa probably could. And check out that short wheel base. Just like a Group B Quattro.
3. This thing
Word is, Father Christmas calls this thing the Reindeer Games, but not after the song lyric. After the 2000 John Frankenheimer film starring Ben Affleck and Gary Sinise.
2. Saleen Mustang
Most of the actual footage of Santa out there is all blurry, like people were filming Bigfoot or something. But this top secret video is pretty conclusive. Santa drives a 2007 Saleen Mustang. Because when you have to traverse the entire planet in one night, it’s best to just lay on the gas and twist the world around beneath you.
1. Arctic Trucks AT44 Hilux
Let’s get realistic, here, folks. The only thing Santa could really be driving is the only car that’s ever driven to the North Pole – the mighty Hilux. We’ve written at length about this grand and tremendous king of all pickups, but it really needs no introduction. A couple of self-proclaimed fat bloke TV presenters hopped in it one day and drove to the very top of the word. Surely Santa could do the same.
Andy Sheehan is a blogger, aspiring novelist, and relentless hoon. He plans to will his 2002 Subaru WRX Wagon to his firstborn, plans his daily commute around the swoop of its roads, and doesn’t plan to ever buy an automatic. A cool-car omnipath, he loves the common Mustang or Chevelle, but hunts for the weird and wonderful Velorexes and Cosmos of the autoverse. And when he can afford a garage, he’s going to turn an MX-5 into a race car.