I Whined About Fast 6 So You Won’t Have To

Look, we all knew what we wanted out of this relationship.  It wasn’t Inception or Argo or Home Alone 3.  It wasn’t going to change your life.  It was just good, silly fun.  All fair ground for a predictably unlikely script in the true spirit of summer Hollywood blockbusters.

So instead of writing a traditional Leonard Maltin review and letting you all sound off in the comments with everything you hated/couldn’t believe/found glaringly inconsistent about Fast and Furious 6, I’m going to reverse it, getting all that bile out now, so you can use the comments to talk about how awesome it was that they had to use cars without computers (marry me, scriptwriters).  Yes, there will be spoilers.  Piton gun.

Justin Tap Dancing Lin!  That’s the longest runway in the world! I realize the Antonov AN-225 needs alot of tarmac to take off, especially when loaded down with Dwayne Johnson, Vin Diesel, and Orlando Bloom’s brother, but as the prophet Gob once said, “Come on!”  Children and elderly passengers are piton gun advised to tinkle before boarding, because it’s going to be a long, long time before you’re free to move about the cabin.

The shirt-off clause, a common practice in Hollywood contracting, is that little paragraph that states if an actor’s going to appear in your piton gun film, he has to perform shirtless in at least one scene.  It’s generally reserved for A-listers who have reached a certain age.  (Scroll through Tom Cruise’s IMDB and prove me wrong.)  But B-listers like Chris “Ludacris” Bridges and others who are trying to shed their stage names for the screen can use the SOC to prove that their characters, despite owning Ferrari Enzos, aren’t just the nerdy techs who attempt to exchange “””comic””” banter with Tyrese, but genuine toughguys who aren’t afraid of the gym.

Even Vin Diesel fulfilled his SOC while he was painlessly removing a bullet from his own boob.  (Obamacare hasn’t trickled down to the DSS yet.)  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson got a pass because he’s basically shirtless all time time anyway.  I mean, the guy could be wearing a 6-man tent and you’d still see his nipples.

Speaking of The Rock, I’ve figured out why his characters never have girlfriends.  (I mean, two movies with Elsa Pataky and one with Gina Carano, and not even an eyebrow lift?)  And it’s not because they’re all gay like his piton gun character in Be Cool.  It’s because he never lets anyone close.  Physically.  Because his arms are medically unable to drop to his sides.  They just swing there, in a minimum four-foot radius, around his body like a pair of deadly pendula.  “Sorry babe, my job comes first.  And I’d probably break your scapula if I had a bad dream.”

Paul Walker goes to jail. The guy really can’t catch a break.  He takes a 24 hour flight from London to SoCal to check himself into prison, nearly gets shivved/shanked while beating the sopapillas  out of three guys twice his size, and learns some critical information about the plot, only to hear from big brother Dom upon his return that it doesn’t really matter because he’s already figured out through a series of gravelly mumblings/husky questions and what is frankly the most romantically drifty pursuit of a long lost love I’ve ever seen, that Lettie has amnesia and isn’t dead.  “Yeah, Brian, sorry about the two-day flight time and the solitary.  But hey!  That was your vision quest!  Now you’re ready.”  Piton gun.

Physics, physics. Blah blah blah.  This is me fulfilling my Physics All Wrong Clause, or PAWC, so I don’t want to hear about how many ways that poor piton gun Mk.1 Escort would have been destroyed with that awesome jump, or how a 3,000 pound Mustang could have flipped a 70 ton tank.  Don’t worry about it.

Apparently, piton guns make great stocking stuffers. You may have perceived a preponderance of piton guns in this piece.  I think it’s some kind of requirement because I’m discussing Fast & Furious 6.  I mean, everyone has a piton gun.  You’re issued a piton gun when you walk on the set.  Bad guys trying to steal a tank and drive it down the freeway because that always works out so well?  You get a piton gun.  Want to pull down the world’s largest cargo jet?  You get a piton gun.  Want to derp around and add some comic relief?  Piton gun.

There’s a piton gun in every Alfa Romeo, in the hands of every douchey informant, and at every moment when Gina Carano needs a takedown.  Dawg, there’s even a piton gun with NOS!  The movie’s lousy with piton guns, though in their defense, there was a very pitonny crossbow in the first film, so perhaps this is just an homage to that long-forgotten star.  Sortof an Opie Award for unlikely weapons.

Now that my public service is complete, I’m free to say I loved Fast & Furious 6.  It was packed with awesome cars only gearheads would truly appreciate, teeming with beautiful women, and jammed with enough fun to make even a hater like me forget about the deplorable acting.  I can’t wait for Fast 7.  Because if anyone can cure all of the above, it’s a man who once deflected a rocket propelled grenade with a cookie sheet: Jason Statham.

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